Soooo first post- I don't really know why I made this site, it was pretty impulse, but I think I'll be using it a lot over the summer!! I actually had a ton of fun coding it too, even though I had to do a lot of google searching lol-
I'm kinda anxious cause I have to do my first day of cross-country tomorrow morning and I really really really don't feel ready- I hate running but my dad has me do it. Exercise is important, but running is so mindless and it just gives me too much time to think :(
Too much time to think about stuff makes me feel waaaay too disconnected, that's why it sucks lol
For cross-country today I only had to do a mile so that was actually really easy :D This girl walked up to me and started talking to me like I knew her and I got so confused. For a good 10 minutes I was trying to figure out if I knew her and I just forgot her or if I was having a dpdr moment lmao-
Turns out she just mistook me for someone else, which was a relief!!
Also, I'm trying out anchor links so hopefully those work- I'm working off the first page of google lol
ALSO ALSO- I found this redit post with a peition linked so please check it out, it's really important for us to have awareness!!
A few days ago, around the end of school, my mom got me this vapor-inhaler thing. It has a pretty strong smell and she said that the sensory could help with dissociation!! I decided to give it a go and it's been working pretty well :D
So since it's been working for me, I thought I'd share it here so that anyone who needs it could try and get their hands on one!!
I HAVE A BUNCH OF THINGS TO SAY:
Okay to start, I managed to find The Fractured But Whole for the switch at Walmart for only $14 which is super cheap compared to the usual price!! So that's arriving in 5 days. I also got a Marjorine funko pop that will be here tomorrow!! I don't usually buy a lot of stuff so I didn't have to do much saving.
Next, I think sometime soon I'll redesign the main page. I wanna make it more appealing and just a better user interface in general-
I had something else but I totally forgot what it was lol
I didn't update yesterday cause I had my friend over for most the day, and I originally wasn't gonna update today because I was busy with yardwork!! But I found time so here we are!!
So the Marjorine funko pop arrived and she's hanging out in my room :D TFBW is supposed to arrive tomorrow so I'm excited for that lol
Yesterday I had a 4 hour conversation with my dad about dissociative disorders and general psychology, which was actually really fun, I can talk for HOURS about my psychology theories
Help I pressed a button and now my cursor looks different- ahh shit-
Okay so my dad got mad at me for not having social skills. He said he's really scared for me- I dunno I think I'm doing just fine. I can order food and probably get a job, I think I'm set.
All I said was that I didn't want to go to cross-country practice because I don't know anybody there. I tried talking to people and they literally ignored me?? I don't get how thats my fault lol
Also idk why my mom thinks she has to explain what autism is to me every time- Explain it to my dad, I'm like 90% sure he has no idea that that's what's going on-
Anyway I technically got my electronics taken away but my parents are literally never home so yea!!
DPDR is like a really weird and emotionally taxing crash-course for gratitude. Like, one day you just start feeling so dissociated to a point where it starts messing with your ability to function properly-
Then the next day, you suddenly feel grounded in reality again. Then you realise that "yesterday" was actually 6 months and 2 weeks.
If you're like me, you start to use that short dissociation cooldown period to be grateful for the fact that you feel real and alive. It's kinda sad, I guess, but it really humbles you in a way!!
It's really easy to take life for granted, and not to be existential or whatever, but sometimes it kinda hurts to see people actively doing just that.
Today I woke up in full dissociation. I just remember getting up and suddenly being outside running. I've been doing running at home recently since there's nobody to take me to cross country, praise be. After the run I was feeling better and a little more connected. I was thinking a lot about how shitty 2019 was for me, and how I'm like 90% sure those events triggered my DPDR.
Stuff like that just makes me even more sure that there's a special place in hell for people who fake disorders online for attention. People like that- Like- How do they live with themselves?? Faking stuff as serious as DID?? I hate my generation, I'm glad that I have enough common sense to know that faking a disorder is more than just messed up, it's full on horrendous-
Like, I believe that self-diagnosis can be valid if the right requirements are met, but the shit that's going down on Tik Tok is NOT self-diagnosis-
I've been telling myself "I need to update my site, I need to make a post!!" and then forgetting to do it, so here I am FINALLY!!
I started watching Downton Abbey again, I used to watch it when I was 7 (I didn't know the plot but I liked the music heheh) and my dad has the DVD box set for every season so we're gonna watch it together!! We watched episodes 1 and 2 last night and I already have an idea for a South Park AU. Mixing my two autistic interests into one extra autistic interest lol-
Also I talked to my dad about the events in 2018-2019 that I think may have caused my DPDR. We usually talk a lot about psychology, since it was his major and currently my main interest, so I KNOW he doesn't use the term "trauma" lightly. He and my mom had an outsiders view of everything that happened, so when I explained it in full-depth, they started to realise how serious the entire situation was for me. Anyway, I was hesitant to exaplain to my dad but he was totally on board with everything I mentioned!!
I know that's all very vague, but that's because I don't wanna just be trauma dumping without a warning. Plus this post is a mixing pot of the last 5 days so yea-
Currently fucking around with the homepage code because I'm feeling very productive lol.
I got a message from one of my irls on discord saying I had sent "****" (which I assume just means porn??) to some girl. It was obviously a scam but it scared the shit out of me since it was sent to my main account, which I have all my socials connected to- So obviously I don't want deepfakes going around. Plus I haven't spoken to my friend in forever so it just kinda caught me off guard. Very spooky!!
I'm gonna try and learn some more code for the homepage, I've been messing around with my toyhou.se character profiles and it's been helping a little with my limited coding abilities!!
How're we feeling about the new setup?? I know what I was trying to go for with the first version, but I didn't plan it out enough to make it work. I think this green-theme has a lot more going for it!! If you couldn't tell, I really like the rose emoji, it's my favourite one :]
Hopefully with the new homepage setup it's easier to access basic info about me and stuff!! I'm still trying to find fitting places to link some other pages that I made before, though I might just merge them into the homepage for easy access!!
A few hours ago, June 30th, Technoblade's dad posted a video on his account stating that Techno had passed away.
I used to be into MCYT back in its early stages, and even though I'm not into all that now, the death of Techno still hits really hard. It's weird to think he's actually gone, it feels so surreal. It's just- wow.
I hope that his family, friends, and current fans are able to handle this loss. Technoblade never dies, he left behind an immortal legacy.
I got to go to the pool yesterday with my friend!! We basically spent the entire day there and just talked about our interests, which meant I got to talk about Downton Abbey!! Most my friends are into South Park (because I got them into it), so it's always easy to talk about South Park. None of my friends are into Downton Abbey, though, so I feel bad bothering them about it.
She let me send her a bunch of Thomas Barrow edits I found on Tik Tok :] plus a random satire South Park gacha video I found- I might make 2 types of post categories, one for my fixations and one for normal posts (like this). Just cause I don't want to clutter this page with random stuff. Once I get far enough in, I'll probably make a navigation thing that takes you to posts in certain months!!
Hi!! I was gone for a bit because I was in DC!! It was awesome, I'd love to live in a city. I got to see the 4th of July fireworks and a bunch of really cool museums. I bought a little rainbow dino (his name is Charlie) and a velociraptor pin!! I would have liked an archaeopteryx or parasaurolophus pin, cause they're my favourites, but I like the raptor pin :D
I've had DPDR on the brain for a while now, so I made a little video using a Tik Tok audio that's been stuck in my head:
I guess you have my Tik Tok acc now,, but that's fine cause I barely do anything on there anyway lol
It's my birthday soon, I don't really feel excited though. I'm not even gonna be that old,, I'm turning 15. I think it feels a little cringe for me to say I miss being younger, since I'm still pretty young, but it's true. I miss feeling excited about things like my birthday. I miss waking up and wondering what presents I got!!
People keep asking me what I want for my birthday and I keep telling them I don't know. I really don't, like, I don't have a lot that I need or desire right now. I guess that makes me really hard to buy for, but I just really don't have any interests in anything physical. I feel like I don't want anything until I'm actually presented with it.
That's how I am about romance, too, apparently. I was talking with my friends a few days ago and I realised that I'd never actually had a crush. I always just checked off boxes and decided "yes, that would make a good partner!!" And, I mean, I have a partner. I'm happy hanging out with them, but I know that they see it as romantic and I just kinda see it as another level of friendship. I kinda feel bad, like I'm leading them on or something.
Life was so much easier 7 birthdays ago-
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! Not only that, but it's my quinceanera!! :D I'm super excited- I'm writing this quickly because we're about to go get breakfast!!
So far I haven't opened any of my gifts, but my sister gave me the 3rd book of the Serafina series :D I've already read the whole thing, but the 3rd book was definitely the best one. I like that I'll be able to read it again (since the last time I read it was in 5th grade)
I use this sort of catchphrase on every other platform I use, so I think today is a fitting day to transfer it over to here:
Merry birthday :]
So, for the past year I've been saving up for a new phone. For my birthday, my parents decided that they'd cover the remaining cost (which was around 85 dollars). I bought an Iphone 11 to replace my Iphone SE (1st gen)!! My old phone was tiny comared to this one, and I kinda miss my old phone. I'm really bad with change, even when it's in my favour. I like my new phone, it has a ton of space which is cool since I was out of storage on my last one.
It's very cringe- but I miss my old phone cause of memories and stuff, you know?? It's like when someone gets a new car, they miss the old one because it's the car their parents gave them or they moved into their first apartment with it!!
I know its gonna be difficult getting used to my new phone, especially for the first week because I don't have a case yet. My old phone had an otterbox case so it was very bulky, now this ones all skinny lol
Funny DPDR story:
A few days ago I slipped into a short dissociative episode while at a restaurant. My mom was sitting across from me and I stopped answering for a second cause I was still entering dissociation. She asked if I was having a seizure and it was kinda funny heheh
Also, I went to the zoo today with my friend, and yesterday I went to Dave & Busters with 3 of my other friends. It was very fun!! I was anxious at first but it turned out okay :D
Recently I've been struggling with my motivation,, so I'm proud of myself today for making a sandwhich!! I haven't been eating much since I didn't have the energy to actually get up and make something. I'd always open the fridge door and just go back to bed.
The sandwhich was really good, I'm running out of tomatoes though so idk if I can make another one tomorrow :(
I WENT TO THE BEACH THIS WEEK!! It was super fun, I got stung by 3 jellyfish :D
(The jellyfish thing was kinda scary bc I lowkey thought I was having a heart attack,, typical anxiety thingz lol)
While at the beach, I locked myself out of my discord and roblox accounts, so I was super anxious about that. BUT!! I worked through it :] I'm very proud of myself because I was able to see through it rationally and fix the problem.
Not that it was a really big problem,, but hey, its progress!!
Sooooo I made an Amino community for DPDR because the only other one I found was german, and I don't know any german.
If you want to join to talk about your experiences or just learn about how DPDR can affect people, the link is here
There's only me in the community right now,, but hopefully more people will join once I'm able to add it to the listing!!
Have you ever listened to the song "All I Want Is You"? That song fucks me up. It reminds me so much of the relationship trauma I have and it really messes with my head. I see people talk about how they love the song and how its what they want in a relationship.
And all I have to say to that is- WHAT?? HOW?? The song is so.. abusive:
"All I want is you now, all I wanna do now is wait for you to call me. Baby, I'm so sorry. Do you wanna hurt me? Are you gonna hurt me? Please don't desert me, please don't desert me!"
HOW IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP?? It's extremely manipulative. Maybe I'm just looking into it more because of my experiences, but I genuinley do not understand how that could possiblely be your ideal relationship.
Hell, I mean, I don't really understand romance as a concept so that's probably got something to do with it-
Soooooo yea. Wow, this post has been a trip- anyway I'm coming out as aromantic.
WOOOO MORE ANXIETY PROGRESS!!
A few days ago I walked into a spider web, and in the heat of the moment I threw my phone. Since it was outside, my phone protector cracked. I was so convinced that I wouldn't be able to handle looking at the white cracks that I bought 3 more screen protectors.
But, I calmed myself down by breathing and using my phone as normal to convince myself it wasn't a problem, and it wasn't!! On the bright side, I have extra screen protectors if I need them.
And 2 night ago, my parents made me watch "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" with them. It was a good movie, but every single one of Ferris' actions and decisions made me extremely anxious. It wasn't just the typical movie-tension, it was that I was on the verge of a panic attack. I ended up breaking down near the end of the movie because it was just way too much. But I watched it, I got through the whole thing-
Probably won't watch it again, but I'm just proud of myself for not seeing myself out when the movie first started getting to be too much
HELLO, LIVE BROADCAST FROM SCHOOL!!
So, I've discovered that I can use Neocities at school!! I'm currently on my school computer in environmental science. It's our first day back so today has been a little anxiety provoking. MY SCIENCE TEACHER ASKED OUR PRONOUNS. SHE HAS HER PRONOUNS ON THE BOARD. I love her already, she's really young and seems super sweet!!
I'll add onto this update once the school day is over,, which will be VERY late because XC is ending at 6pm. SIX. PM. I"M NEVER GOING TO FINISH ALL MY HOMEWORK IF PRACTICE IS ENDING AT 6PM.
Fuckin hate that sport.
Soooo I actually forgot to update the last post since my dad said I have to be electronic an hour before sleeping. I get home at 6:30, take a shower, and then it's 7pm. So then I literally cannot do anything-
Dumbass system if you ask me,, but then again I'm the child in the situation-
Uhhhh so now that I have a ton of time in school to just do nothing,, I've been drawing and developing a story that I've been working on for AGES. AGH.
Also, listening to MCR and Car Seat Headrest, I swear my music taste only gets better every year that goes by!!
I'm currently in Environmental Science,, it's fucking awesome dude. She's so sweet, our teacher, that is. I love her fr (also she's really pretty). On another note, I want to break up with my girlfriend, but I'm nervous. I want to explain to her that I'm aromantic, but I feel like she'll still get mad.
I never got mad over breakups because I never actually felt love- so I have no idea how someone who actually experiences romance will take it.
Gonna go back to paying attention, adios!!
BIG UPDATE GUYS!!
As of 8.22.22, I AM SINGLE!!!!!!!! I'm really happy about this, cause it means I don't have to be in another relationship again until I want to. Because now I know stuff about myself that I wish I had known before. I am aromantic.
Now, theres still some anxiety work to be done. I wasn't the one to break it off, they did. Which brings to my next point, why were they crying when they broke up with ME?? Doesn't the one getting broken up with usually cry? Or is this a normal occurance is the world of alloromantics?
I'd like to say I'm proud that I'm aromantic,, but,, in all honesty, I'm not. I'm not proud at all. I deal with hypersexuality and that alone makes me feel sick, but now I feel like I don't have any connection to other people rather than in a sexual way. Other than my friends of course, platonic love all the way!! But I still feel shitty about it and idk who to talk to it about. Soooo yea. BUT AUGUST 22ND MARKS AN IMPORTANT DAY IN TOMMIE HISTORY!! THE DAY I OFFICIALLY CAME OUT TO MY BUDDIES AS AROMANTIC!!
FEELS LIKE I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVER!! Anyway, I'm back!! My now ex is still not talking to me- It's been like a week, can we move on now?? I don't get all the fuss.
I mean, I tried to give them space, but we're still not talking?? Do they think I'M avoiding them or something?? Cause I'm not, they're avoiding me. Tbh, I used to think I'd be really hurt if they broke up with me, but now I might loose them as a friend and I still don't care that much.
Is something wrong with me? Aren't I supposed to care- I feel shitty. I feel annoyed. I am annoyed that they're not talking to me, do you have any idea how fucking selfish that is??
All I do is throw myself pity parties all the time, fuck- I expect empathy from other but don't care to show any myself. Am I a bad person??
Dear god, its been 17 days since my last update- Anyway, I have a much heavier topic to write about today so MAJOR TW FOR GROOMING/SA
So I've never really told people this, though I've mentioned it briefly on here before. I deal with hypersexuality and it makes me feel bad. Like, really bad. I feel guilty for always having sex on my mind and I don't know what to do about it. I've been groomed online before in result of my exposure to nsfw at a young age. I didn't think it would mess me up that much and I actually played it off as a joke for years.
Yea, well, now I'm seeing the aftermath- I've experienced multiple instances of sexual harassment in real life, I've been touched by people I never want to see again. I'm trying to deal with it in a healthy way, but I know I'm not. I got on chat rooms and talk to random people, most of which are definitely adults. I can't have anything, sometimes people with similar interests to me dm me on instagram and I get so excited cause I finally have someone to talk to and feel comfortable with.
And then they start talking about nsfw and dead dove.
I hate myself